We hang out together.
We laugh and joke for like forever.
We go movies and plan outings.
We sit next to each other in class.
We do things everybody else does.
She's a friend.

Or is she?

If she's a friend,
why do you feel awkward talking to her
about the 'other stuffs'?
The personal stuffs.
The real you stuffs.

Sometimes
you find it the hardest to talk to
to someone whom you consider
your closest buddy.

Or
it could be the opposite.
You find it easier to talk to
to someone whom you consider
your acquaintance.
Or even simply someone else
BUT your closest buddy.

I have that problem.
Yehhuh me.

I don't tell my closest buddies stuffs.
You know?
The real stuffs.
You can bet your tight ass,
they know not much about me.
Like I know not much about them.
It's sad.
But it's how it works.
I guess.

I find it hard opening up to them
about my feelings, for example.
Whether I'm feeling like cowdung,
or I'm feeling so so so happy I'm going to explode.
You know?
Your personal stuffs.

Because these are the people I hang out with most of the time.
These people I crap with.
These people who have seen me during my Crazy mode.

They haven't seen me in my Other mode.
And I'm afraid of letting them see.
Because I bet it's going to change their perspective of me
which is going to make a really huge--bad even-- impact.

I could be wrong.
But I don't want to risk it.

I start making new friends.
And I'm careful not to be too closed.
And these new friends
are those I can truly share my problems with.

I don't hate my buddies though.
I love them truckloads. I mean it.
But there are stuffs I don't share with them
but I do with other 'friends'.

You may think I'm being selfish.
A hypocrite maybe?
I guess I am.
If that makes you happy.

But I'm definitely not a user.
I'm not using my other 'friends'.
Unless you think opening up to you
means I'm using you,
then I'm sorry.

If you find me some sort of not talking to you,
or ignoring you or worst, avoiding you,
I'm not being stuck-up that I am(i admit).
I'm just finding my space
and trying to figure out where I stand.

Where do I stand?

I'm tired being people pleaser.
I want to start doing things for me.